Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Oh dear, letting go is the hardest thing to do...

For years I have tried to get back to web development.  Ive spent money on courses, books, etc, there always seems to be a wall between me and being able to achieve what I want regarding that field.

Today, I'm closing my web hosting account.  Ive had it for 8 years.. and its scary!

I remember at one point I had 31 domains, with big plans for each one.  I'm down to two lol.

I'm sad, but it has to be done.

I wonder what's next for me....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

209.2 lbs - I might gain weight but I WILL NOT lose my mobility

I've been having a very difficult time lately.. as the weeks go by, the year's end approaches and ..

Well, I started the extreme makeover well, then switched eating plans.. and thats when the numbers on the scale made my mind and my brain go bonkers...  I wont blame it on Clean Eating.. its the innocent bystander in all of this.

I will blame it on my mind... The biggest hurdle in weight loss.. and health, is YOUR OWN BRAIN.. your sneaky saboteur that secretly likes the suffering that failure brings into our lives..

What i do know, is that I won't give back my hard earned mobility.  I can walk now, park far away from the stores.. I can run my errands and feel energetic.. Ive been focusing SO MUCH on food.. I forget, how good I have it now... While I do still need a nap during the day, I can function... The key is to keep exercising.. and thats just what I did today.. I did it monday and last week too.. through all the bingeing.. I still work out.. I know you might say, but weight loss is nothing without the proper nutrition... but my Sanity.. my progress (physically) that matters to me...

I did 4 full body pushups today... that.. that is gold to me..  Oh I was thinking about breakfast all throughout the workout... and even before.. but I pushed myself to do the best I could... its "use it or lose it" like the old cliche.. and I think regarding mobility and your overall body well being, thats one rule to follow closely...

I might not get 8 hours sleep (still), but thats due to the crazy cat... not to severe pain waking me every two hours because my body is so heavy and so out of shape that being in one position for too long hurts... and then, the pain of moving so I could switch to the other side... ah... no more...

Funny, I do still get that when I m lying on my stomach.. ,maybe some more core exercises..and back..

These days I can almost start walking as soon as I get up from a chair or from the bed... used to be I had to wait as much as a minute.. unless I wanted it to hurt...

This is something worth fighting for..

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

207???? It's all about choices

So I went from 203 to 204, then 205 then 207.  It's like watching an accident, in super slow mo, and you're still not able to help anyone.. not even yourself...

The funny part is (not funny haha) I was NOT overeating... I chose that moment, that SPECIFIC moment, to change diet plans.. change eating habits.. moved to the Eat Clean lifestyle..  And what a lovely surprise.. while everyone loses weight as soon as they start, I gained weight..

The true problem wasnt the gain, was my brain and the way I react to the scale.  It brings out all the crazy in me.

Since mid September, Ive rewritten plans, (both eating and exercise).. rearranged, photocopied, whatever... It doesn't change the BASIC FUNDAMENTALS... and that is... Whichever "PLAN" I choose, the KEY element is CONSISTENCY.. sticking to a plan and carrying it out.. not one week or two, not two months.. but again and again... until your body is healthy and fit...  THAT is the catch... there are no shortcuts..


I keep drilling these words into my head... Perseverance especially, without it... I won't ever achieve my goals... because I dont have to lose 10 or 20 pounds.. I've still got to lose quite a bit to be at a normal healthy weight.. around 60 pounds.. and thats just bordering on the healthy weight.. right on the edge...  At the end of the day, thats what I want... for my weight and height to be right... for my body to be the way its supposed to be, not the way my fears, my insecurities and later on my own personal choices have created it.

Of course the little devil inside me pops out every once in a while and starts nagging with the "why me's" and "why is it so hard..ALL OF THE TIME?..." 

There is one tiny thing that keeps needling me... and that is, this journey I'm on.. its about much more than weight loss.. its about working hard and consistently towards creating the life you want..  It scares me, because that means, theres even more work to do when this is done... always so much work.. neverending work.. always struggle... geez.. Im getting depressed  lol

OK, so what Plan did I choose?... I had to go back to Clean Eating... I believe strongly in it... even more so than Dr. Millers Hilton Head Metabolism diet... As a matter of fact, his plans are similar..
Am on day three.. feel a bit foggy.. but its the fact that Im on the Cooler 1 meal plans... more strict, no dairy, very limited fruit... very strict.. like I enjoy (lol)... but Ive worked a strategy (yes, another one), to start switching slowly to Cooler 2.. so that its natural, and not so abrupt like what I did that week I gained weight.

And the only reason Im not tossing my scale, is that one does need to know every other month or so what the digits are..  From now on Ill only measure... Weight once a month or every 3months... Next "weigh in" probably will be Xmas.. or ddecember 31rst...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

202.6 lbs - No support system anymore

Have been feeling very lonely lately.  I know the only person that can make change happen in my life is ME... but I used to have a friend and we shared rants and raves of our lives.  Now that shes no longer in my life I'm left ... alone...

I tried out writing to my aunt.. but she's a very busy executive with a demanding schedule and many responsibilities, add a teenage daughter to that, and.. well... she didn't write back.. so... no diet buddy, no rant exchanges.. it's too inefficient in a businesswoman's life...  so I need to find this support somewhere else, because I REALLY need it... I still have 56 pounds to go and that takes time, and encouragement...

I know, I should be able to do this myself.. and am guilty that I miss my friend because she helped me.. How selfish is that?   cant think of anything worse...

I've finally moved on to eating clean 100% mmm I confess I was terrified I'd gain weight..and still am... but its the best way.. and its logical and the food is pretty good too.   I've started with cooler 2 menus from the The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged and so far so good.  Im already used to eating big servings of protein, but was surprised to find out 3 hours is a little too close sometimes for me to eat...  She says if thats the case I should decrease portion sizes.

Ive joined The Kitchen Table, an eating clean forum but I still dont feel like I belong completely.  Ive offered support where Ive found it was needed, and now am using the Meal plan feature to map out or journal my food intake.  Sometimes it varies a bit from the sample meals given in the book.

Lately fear has been an issue with me, and I don't really understand it.  My workouts terrify me (they are quite challenging) and changing diets, even to one that makes more sense, is more nutritionally sound, and has worked for thousands of people, is... just... scary.. I hate it...  I know I have gumption.. courage... can it be PMS again?  how often can I blame things on my hormones?

Whats more, I feel guilty, I am spending money on staples and basic foods, but expensive ones sometimes.

You know what... Its time... It's what I need to do.. this is the next step... and maybe Im scared, and maybe Im alone, but who the f**k cares... I can do this... I need to, I have to.. and Im doing it, one meal at a time, one day at a time.. one healthy choice at a time...

Monday, September 26, 2011

210.2 lbs - XMAS 2011 EXTREME MAKEOVER IS ON...

First of all, yes I'm starting to hate that number 210.2 lbs.. Been there, done that for God's sake!..

I had big trouble last week, don't even know why.. .maybe I've finally realized my best friend is an EX best friend now.. I dont know...

I did notice something though.. I like to find patterns, and last year, at this exact same time, was when I had trouble... the biggest concern with that was, by xmas, I had done nothing.. I had lost only the 30 pounds I lost for my birthday and around september 25th-26th I had quit many things, my job, my diet my exercise... and come Christmas 2010, I was depressed, because I had failed (?)...

What can we learn from this?  I dont want that same xmas.. I want a better one... so I switched around dates and am starting the Extreme makeover earlier than anticipated.. now it will be 13 weeks before xmas instead of 11 and this perhaps gives me time to lose 30 pounds?  haha, I'm always greedy.. when goal setting, but what is it people say dream big or dont dream at all.. ???

Last time I did 10 weeks and lost 24 pounds, of course when you are heavier you lose faster...  So thats about 2.4 pounds a week if you do your normal math.  However as we dieters know, weigh loss math is completely different.  Some weeks I had lost 3, some 2 some 1.. some nothing...  This time, i am trying to not weigh myself every single week.. so every three weeks, weight and measure.. I know, it might be frustrating, but its more frustrating to be depending on the scale for my moods.. I need to do this... besides Tosca Reno advises to let go slowly and stop depending on the scale for results (and Im a good candidate because when it says something I dont like, I am in such a bad mood for the entire day..)

Im going to go almost full Jillian for the duration of the Extreme Makeover.  I started today with Ripped in 30, which in comparison to 6 week six pack, was kinda easy.. OK OK; not easy but much easier by my standards.  The six week six pack has a lot of boot camp thingies like burpees and caterpillars and spidermans and and and... things I couldnt easily do.. So it was a bit refreshing to not be so exhausted after the workout.. however I was drenched.... I will be rotating the Jillian DVD's so I will have to do the 6 week one soon.   Most of the Jillian workouts are small 35-20 minutes  so I will do the exhale tapes (which are divided into 10 minute segments) in the afternoons/evenings ; there is one Jillian that will be 40 minutes.. No more trouble Zones..  so I might not do anything later in the day for that one.. we will see.  I already miss my firm videos..

I really want to work my arms and back for the upcoming holidays.. I want to wear a dress that reveals the back, but I need to find something that I can also wear a bra with!  lol... I'm sure I will find it... only 3 months to xmas..

Take care... go for your goals.. u deserve it.. and dont let even yourself stand in the way of those goals.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

207 - Not gung ho anymore, lost and confused...

This monday I weighed in at 206.6.. I was already frustrated because on friday I had been 206.  I shouldnt have weighed myself but I did anyway...

I finally received my eat clean book, and all of a sudden I went off my plan and started doing the eat clean diet.. but it only lasted thru monday... so I decided to start my extreme makeover early... with the Drop 24 pounds diet from Oxygen Magazine. This was starting Tuesday... Today is thursday... the menus are interesting, but theres just so much fat.. so much food... true most of the food is veggies..   I miss my morning cereal, and gasp.. I miss fruit.. who would have thought I would utter those words..

I think in the past I have mentioned I do not agree with any diet that removes any food group from the mix. this one severely restricts fruits.. and no starches AT ALL...

Truth be told, I think Im too edgy.. Im so close to being below 200.. this was my main goal for the past.. geez I dont know how many years... I want to be there NOW...
I keep telling myself that I cant quit.. I need to follow through..   whatever I do.. Im just so close!!!!!  

I have to go... :(

Monday, September 12, 2011

207.8 lbs - Can you say YUM????

My goodness!  To think I dreaded the meal plans in The Hilton Head Metabolism Diet Over 35!  For so long!  And let's say without exaggerating, about 85% of the menus / recipes are amazing... The chicken cacciatore, the spinach omelet, the veggie lasagna!...

I have to say some days I thought.. "this is not right!.. I cant be on a diet!  Not possible".. I felt guilty for eating such rich and tasty foods. But, of course, I ate them anyway.

The week went by slowly, but I had fun and had a very positive outlook on things.  Friday and Sunday had a few glitches.  Sunday much more. 
Friday I was trying out the boiled shrimp for the first time.. and I failed.. I made a lot of mistakes and after 4 or 5 forkfuls of tiny shrimp ( I bought peeled shrimp thinking it would be easier, but then they were so tiny.. arg!).. then I felt nauseous.. and well, lets just say all the cocktail sauce in the world could not cover that..
Later that night I had a great pasta primavera at a restaurant but the tiramisu somehow ignited a craving for chocolate... Friday dinners are my one meal I get to "cheat" on so to speak, though when I am in super diet mode I choose more healthful options like salads.

My response was easy.. just drive straight home and take your walk!... I still had a snack left in the day but my stomach was out of sorts so I let it go... The hawaian coleslaw recipe which I had been looking forward to was not cool either.. I ate it though..

Sunday, was a doozy.. I was tired,cranky, down in spirit... you name it.. I took a walk outside, since the 40 minute walks in this program are not to my liking at all... and by 20 minutes I was exhausted!  I was surprised by this, I knew walking inside is not the same as walking outside, but wow.. I know I was probably losing weight (I felt really tired since thursday, struggled through my workout on friday too).

I'm not a fan of walking outside... when I was much larger, It was the fear that if I went halfway and couldnt make it back, who would help me?  no one could carry me.. funny cause at 20 minutes,, I was dealing with this same issue, with the exception that I knew I could drag myself home at any time.. I had enough energy at least to do that.. so it started raining and I finished my 40 minute walk..
As the day progressed so did my crankiness and my negativity.. I didnt check my calendar but maybe its PMS.  Either way, I responded to all bad ideas (like binging or not exercising) with a simple " i dont think so - we want this, we can do this, even if it sucks right now".  Was not easy, but... well..

So here we are 5.2 pounds lighter.. and only 8.8 pounds to 199... lets be more creative.. only 7.9 to be BELOW 200.

Today I once again forgot that my scale's first reading isnt accurate and almost jumped for joy at the 203.4 lbs it showed, then a big C came in meaning innacurate...  When will I learn?  and when will I let go of the obsession with the numbers?  After all, friday I noticed my jeans fit more loosely around my buttocks.  That should count right?  grrr..

The FIRM DVD Classic 'Vol. 3 Aerobic Weight Training' by Anna Benson with Sandahl BergmanA very nice thing did happen today, Making my Monday a more promising one.  While I started doing todays workout, I started cracking smiles throughout the routine... Can you believe that.. i was happy I was working out... That is so totally and completely AMAZING to me. 

I've always enjoyed working out ONCE Ive been doing it consistently for a couple of weeks, but Ive never enjoyed it THIS much.. LOL... wow... I don't even know what the future holds if things are improving that much..

My first Clean eating book arrived this week, Im excited though its a big book.. and I have to admit, I feel guilty reading about food and how good it is for you, when the experience ive had is that its bad for you and you need to eat horrible food in tiny quantities to lose weight...   It's funny because Ive been doing this (eating lots and healthy and clean) since I began last year.. Dr. Miller's diet is an earlier version of eating clean!  I guess some things have not changed inside me yet, but they will. 

The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged: Lasting Fat Loss That's Better than Ever!The book I got was The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged: Lasting Fat Loss That's Better than Ever! and well, Ive just started reading it. There are testimonials spread throughout the book.  The pages themselves are glossy and magazine like which I enjoy though it makes the book a bit heavy (so I cant carry it on my purse like I usually do with other books).  I could have gotten this on my kindle, but some things need to be held in your hands.. I need to see the colors and flip the pages for the truths to sink in.  And Im a sucker for that new book / new magazine smell.   I just love it.

You know, I think if I continue to work hard (and consistently) on my health and fitness level, I will be able to be OVERWEIGHT by the end of the year... As opposed to OBESE which is what I am now or MORBIDLY OBESE which is what I was 2 months ago..  

I know, less than 4 months, LOTS of expectations... I think by thanksgiving I will have a more accurate idea of where I will be for Xmas and New years. 

Please be patient (advice for you and for me).. Please be consistent, and keep that determination going, on whatever task you need it.  Each action you take, each decision you make, creates the present you live in and the future you will live in.  Dont waste time looking at all the mistakes.. do your best today... only you can change your future.